A Bad Breakup. E-mail: A Love Story

I'm going through a very messy breakup and some of my friends are taking sides. For reasons both shallow and practical I switched from AOL to Gmail. Yes, there was some peer pressure involved. It seemed like everybody who was anybody had a Gmail email address. It said, “I’m young, I’m hip and I’m hot.” AOL wheezed, “I’m old, I’m tired and I’m not.” AOL is the dividing line between people who may have once [gasp] paid for email and those who never have.

When Daddy’s a Dumb Ass

It’s summer time. School is out and presumably parents are already beginning to feel the pressure of dealing with their own progeny without the buffer of a school day. There’s bound to be some strain, some fraying at the edges, but I thought parents could at least hold out until August.

The Great Spanx Experiment

One More Thing I Can Check Off My Bucket List  ---

It’s not necessarily true that you need to experience something personally in order to write a joke about it, but it helps. I’d heard comedians (male and female) tell jokes about Spanx long before I knew what they were. I could figure out from the context of the joke that Spanx are this generation’s girdle, the poor woman’s liposuction, another tool in the arsenal to avoid diet and exercise.

What’s a Doggie Bag Between Strangers?

So I'm having a lovely Sunday dinner out with friends. My meal was okay, but not worth taking home when the waiter asked if I wanted a to go box. I said, no thanks, but then the man next to me piped up and said, “Oh, I’ll take one.” He didn’t mean he wanted a to go box for “his” food. He wanted the box for mine. And no, I hadn’t offered.

When Did Walmart Start Hiring Floor Mammies?

Okay. It was my fault. I should not have been in Walmart on a Saturday afternoon so I guess I brought this experience on myself.

I’m standing in an epically long line. I imagine that outside of this discount retail cocoon, civilizations are rising and falling while I wait. There’s a family in line behind me: parents, two kids. Their youngest was a little boy of about four. Together with a little friend the two of them were very busy laughing, tussling and playing. And then it got a little too good to them. They started chasing each other around the register in faster, and faster laps. It is, of course, impossible at that age to run without screaming. But there comes a point when the sound of young people playing at the top of their lungs swings from being endearing to just straight up annoying. I reached that point with surprising speed.

Anthony Weiner, Show Us Your Stimulus Package!

Ok, America, we need to put this Anthony Weiner thing into perspective. Yes, he lied. All politicians lie. People lie. Let he who is without a social media networking presence or a camera on their cell phone cast the first stone. But in the middle of the hoopla, let us not lose sight of what’s important. Money.