I love handbags. I love shopping. I hate handbag shopping. I can't do it online. I have to do it in store. I've got to touch the merchandise. My requirements are specific but today I tried to be open to what's in fashion. I really did. But I just can't do these open-top handbags. No zipper, no magnetic closure or no closure at all? The internal contents of your handbag all on display for anyone who wants to peek in? Nah, I think not. And as Anne Rice so aptly described in her novel "Interview with the Vampire" I realize how marked I am by my era.
I came up at a time when crime was high, trust was low and you not only zipped up your bag, you hugged it close to your body and hustled like a quarterback trying to score the winning touchdown. I've never lost a game.
It's the same reason I don't wear gold. Gold jewelry, gold fillings, gold teeth; I don't even like the color yellow. When I was coming up, it was common for the local thuggery to walk down the street snatching gold chains. That was back when it was still okay to openly blame the victim and if you got jacked for your jewels people acted as if it was your own fault for daring to look too prosperous. Clearly, you were asking for it. Call the cops? File a police report? Be serious, son. It was your turn. Keep it moving.
It's the same reason I don't walk down the street wearing headphones that completely cover my ears. I know it's a different time but there's a part of me that's still baffled when I see people doing this. It's a dangerous world. How can they be so willfully unaware of their surroundings? On the one hand, I envy their sense of safety and freedom. On the other hand, I want to mug them so they learn their lesson.
And so, I find it hard carrying a handbag that doesn't close securely. It bespeaks a level of trust in my fellow humans that I no longer have. Consequently, I ended up buying a handbag today that looks eerily similar to one I already have.
And so, if you like to spend some time with me and my new handbag, come see my next show 11/4 & 5 at City Steam in Hartford, CT! INFO & TICKETS
Leighann Lord is a veteran stand-up comedian seen on HBO, Comedy Central, and The View. She is the author of Dict Jokes and Real Women Do it Standing Up; and is a co-host of StarTalk Radio, with Neil de Grasse Tyson. Follow her @LeighannLord | VeryFunnyLady.com. To join TeamLeighann: Text FunnyLady to 22828. Listen to the podcast of her blog on iTunes and Stitcher Radio.