Dammit Denzel!

I spent part of the holidays catching up on the movies that I missed last year. And I missed many. I always do. I just can’t keep up. It seems that by the time I finish watching the trailer and saying to myself, “Yeah, I’d like to see that” it’s already out of the theaters and on cable. But I was a bit surprised to see HBO offering a Denzel Washington movie that I’d never even heard of: Safe House? Damn. Now I’m even missing the trailers.

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Particularly shameful is that it’s Denzel. Denzel! How did I miss a Denzel Washington movie? I’m not saying that I’m a stalker but I am a reasonably enthusiastic fan. Hell, I’m one of the few people who will admit to having seen and enjoyed Mississippi Marsala.

For the record, if my fandom ever did rise to restraining-order level it would be for the one and only Mr. Avery Brooks. He was Hawk on Spencer for Hire, and briefly had his own spin-off show: A Man Called Hawk. He was also Captain Benjamin Sisko on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. That man moves me. In Jerry McGuire when Renée Zellweger famously says to Tom Cruise, “You had me at hello.” Well, Avery had me at “H.” He is yummy with a capital Y. Yeah I’d catch a case for him. 

           

But Denzel is by far the more well-known and popular of the two actors. It might be wild hyperbole to say that all women love Denzel, but I’ve never met a Black woman who doesn’t. But if by chance one exists, she’d do well to keep it to herself. You hate on Denzel at the risk of facing The Drop Squad. It might actually be easier to admit you’re a Black Republican. 

          

And so, while it wasn’t Avery [I say, closing my mouth and gently dabbing away the drool], I was ready and happy to watch Denzel do his thing. In Safe House he plays a rogue CIA agent. Ever since Training Day we love to watch Denzel give good bad guy. Here’s where they lost me though. In an action-packed scene – outnumbered and outgunned – co-star Ryan Reynolds must smuggle prisoner Denzel out of the safe house lest they both be killed. They commandeer a car and Ryan orders Denzel to get in the trunk. Denzel reluctantly climbs in. Ryan slams it closed and they speed off.

Seriously? I think I just heard the needle skip.

I know it’s Hollywood. I know it’s a movie. I know I shouldn’t get caught up in the minutia but I can’t help it. In the movie The Transporter a woman tied to a chair flees her captors, stows away in the back seat of a Mercedes – still tied to the chair – but, gratuitous gun violence aside, I’m cool with that. What irks me is that she never loses a shoe. Seriously? She’s wearing sling-back kitten heels. She should have lost a foot.

I guess I’m a sensible shoe girl at heart because I also can’t watch the TV show Rizzoli & Isles. The main characters are a female detective and medical examiner. Fantastic. But watching them in the promos traipse around a crime scene in stilettos? Seriously? Who does that? Somebody’s dead. Have the decency to put a pair of Hush Puppies.

So, back at the escape scene in Safe House, what are the odds of Denzel and Ryan finding a vehicle with a trunk big and empty enough to fit a grown ass man? Maybe I could see it if the car was new, but it wasn’t. The trunk of a car is never as pristine as the day it leaves the dealership. When a car rolls off the lot it doesn’t just lose value and but trunk space as well. It’s so common for people to treat their car like a mobile storage unit that I’m surprised it hasn’t spawned a Hoarders spinoff called Junk in the Trunk. (You heard it here first, people.)

Look, I’m a Type-A neat nick and even the trunk of my car is sketchy. Its part closet, part office, part project repository. Had they commandeered my car they would’ve been shit out of luck. But then again, it’s Denzel. I’d let Denzel sit in the front seat with me unless, of course, Avery had already called shotgun. I would happily hide them both at my house. But they damn sure wouldn’t be safe. Seriously.

             

Thanks for reading The Urban Erma. You can subscribe to the blogcast (yes, I made up this word) FREE on iTunes. And, in case you were wondering, in addition to blogging I am also an amazing stand-up comedian. I do "Thinking Cap Comedy." Basically, if comedy were music, I'd be Jazz. Want to see a show? Check out my schedule at @ VeryFunnyLady.com.