I recently
found myself performing on a charter music cruise headlined by New Kids on the
Block. You heard me. I’m not big on boy bands but I was just a wee bit sorry
that it wasn’t Boyz to Men. [Insert sly smile and small swoon here.] In case
you didn’t know, New Kids on the Block rebranded themselves NKOTB. This is cute
but it must make it hard on their dyslexic fans. I bet some of those poor
ladies ended up on the MFSB cruise jamming to “Love is the Message.”
A casual stroll around the ship was
artistically enlightening. Even before setting sail, many of the ladies had
decorated their cabin doors and hallways with elaborate homages to NKOTB. There
were arts and crafts displays that put school children to shame: oceans of oak tag,
rivers of glitter, and mounds of macaroni. It looked like these chicks had
bought out Michael’s Craft Store. I’ve seen museum installations less
complicated. One woman went so far as to hook up an iPad to run continuous New
Kids concert footage.
Mostly though, the doors and walls
were bedecked with fan photos taken at earlier concerts and cruises. One cabin
door was awash in photos of the New Kids asses and abs. It made me wonder if
they were still singing or doing porn now. When the ladies ran out of photos of
the group they began tacking up just any old set of abs. Tom Selleck? He’s not
a New Kid. He’s an old kid. There was an awesome ab photo of Naughty by Nature.
He’s definitely not a New Kid on the Block; maybe the cell block ...
On the bright side, these women were
some of the most dedicated, passionate, and creative fans I’ve ever met. (And I
am a Trekkie.) I am convinced that male fans would not have done all this. I
can’t picture them, 20 years from now, putting this much effort into a Destiny’s
Child Bootylicious Reunion Cruise. That’s not to say they wouldn’t want to, I
just doubt they’d stop masturbating long enough to make it happen.
Now if there’s ever a Star Trek cruise, beam me up. I’d see nothing wrong with plastering my
cabin door with my pre- and post-restraining order cast photos, hooking up my
iPad to show every scintillating season of STNG
& DS9 (director’s cut), and strolling around the lido deck in my
prosthetic Vulcan ears. Now that’s the
right stuff.
Thanks for reading The Urban Erma. You can subscribe to the blogcast (yes, I made up this word) FREE on iTunes. And, in case you were wondering, in addition to blogging I am also an amazing stand-up comedian. I do "Thinking Cap Comedy." Basically, if comedy were music, I'd be Jazz. Want to see a show? Check out my schedule at @ VeryFunnyLady.com.
It’s worth noting here that I consider
myself more of a man band fan: Cameo, Slave, Earth Wind & Fire, Kool &
the Gang, The Dazz Band, The Gap Band, The Commodores, The Time. The Jonas
Brothers just don’t fill that void for me.
New Kids was an 80s group with hits
like “The Right Stuff,” “I’ll Be Loving
You Forever,” and “Step by Step.”
They’re all grown up now and so are their fans. On a ship that normally accommodates
up to 2,800 vacationing couples and families, over 2,500 of the passengers on
this cruise were women. That’s a lot of estrogen. Some of it was replacement
estrogen but it still counts. The New Kids gift shop not only sold tee-shirts
and such, but it also had a line of personal fans that sprayed a fine cool mist
of water. Clearly someone on the New Kids marketing team anticipated that some
of their fans are now peri-menopausal.
A casual stroll around the ship was
artistically enlightening. Even before setting sail, many of the ladies had
decorated their cabin doors and hallways with elaborate homages to NKOTB. There
were arts and crafts displays that put school children to shame: oceans of oak tag,
rivers of glitter, and mounds of macaroni. It looked like these chicks had
bought out Michael’s Craft Store. I’ve seen museum installations less
complicated. One woman went so far as to hook up an iPad to run continuous New
Kids concert footage.
Mostly though, the doors and walls
were bedecked with fan photos taken at earlier concerts and cruises. One cabin
door was awash in photos of the New Kids asses and abs. It made me wonder if
they were still singing or doing porn now. When the ladies ran out of photos of
the group they began tacking up just any old set of abs. Tom Selleck? He’s not
a New Kid. He’s an old kid. There was an awesome ab photo of Naughty by Nature.
He’s definitely not a New Kid on the Block; maybe the cell block ...
On another door an ardent fan proudly
displayed what looked disturbingly like private family childhood photos. You
just knew that if you pressed her, she could probably show you a New Kids
sonogram. At this point it started
feeling less like a cruise and more like a floating restraining order.
Although it was sold out, not everyone
on the ship was a New Kids fan. “This is
just sad,” one of the other passengers whispered to me in a guarded moment.
And it was wise to whisper. There’s no telling what the Stepford chicks would’ve
done if they had overheard such heresy. “I
can’t believe grown women are acting like this.” And I’ll admit it was surprising
to see a woman with a full back tattoo of all of the New Kids faces. It made
the homemade, 3D, deck-for-deck, port hole-for-port hole, paper mache replica
of the cruise ship look tame.
On the bright side, these women were
some of the most dedicated, passionate, and creative fans I’ve ever met. (And I
am a Trekkie.) I am convinced that male fans would not have done all this. I
can’t picture them, 20 years from now, putting this much effort into a Destiny’s
Child Bootylicious Reunion Cruise. That’s not to say they wouldn’t want to, I
just doubt they’d stop masturbating long enough to make it happen.
Some women brought their husbands on
the cruise. A New Kids on the Block cruise. I know. That’s cold-blooded, right?
That’s like bringing your man to a book club meeting. It’s kinder just to serve
him with divorce papers. I’m not sure if the women who left their men at home
fared any better. When the cruise ends, they won’t be returning home to a New
Kid, just an old spouse. Either way, I smell an argument.
Charter music cruises are quite
popular now and there are a lot of old groups I’d love to see but who might not
do well on water. Katrina & The Waves and the SOS Band come to mind. Hell,
Musical Youth wouldn’t even make it passed customs. I hear there’s an R. Kelly
concert cruise coming up, but you might not want to bring the kids.
Thanks for reading The Urban Erma. You can subscribe to the blogcast (yes, I made up this word) FREE on iTunes. And, in case you were wondering, in addition to blogging I am also an amazing stand-up comedian. I do "Thinking Cap Comedy." Basically, if comedy were music, I'd be Jazz. Want to see a show? Check out my schedule at @ VeryFunnyLady.com.
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