Monday, February 18, 2008

Vintage Medication

Vintage Medication: Choose a Good Year

© 2007 Leighann Lord

My Dad finally talked my Mom into getting a flu shot. It seemed like a good idea since my Mom gets sick every year. Despite her best efforts, she’s the first to succumb with a cold every December. Well, thanks to the flu shot she was able to delay the inevitable until January.

No one does sick like my Mom. She carries around a Sick Box filled with medication, three-ply tissues with lotion, cough drops, Vicks nasal inhalers and chest rub. This year’s medicine du jour is Alka Seltzer Cold. My mom raved about its efficacy. "If your gonna be sick, this is the stuff to have," she said. Noted.

Worried she was running low, she asked me to pick up some more medicine. To make sure I was getting the right thing I took a look at the box and got nervous. It looked suspiciously old.
"Mom, how long have you had this stuff?"
“I don't know."
I checked the expiration and it was out of date by more than a decade; 1995 to be exact. God knows when it was actually purchased.
"You can't use this!"
"Why not?"
"It’s a little out of date."
"But it works."
"It's from two presidents ago!"
"It tastes okay to me."

Stoney silence.

was on the losing end of this argument. When it comes to over the counter medication, my parents view expiration dates as a ploy to make them spend more money. Ten months or ten years, if it's working, it's okay. I, on the other hand, had visions of the ingredients degenerating, becoming at best inert, but at worst toxic. I eyed the rest of her sick box, wondering what other out of date stuff it might be harboring. My Mom caught me looking and shooed me out the door.

I went and bought her a new box of Alka Seltzer but I know in my heart she didn't use it until the old box ran out completely. She probably even had my Dad check through the medicine cabinet in the hopes of finding another old box stashed away in there; a nice vintage from the 80s, perhaps.

I’m not a wine drinker. I’ve tried many times: wine tastings, wine clubs; all to no avail. It all tastes like Robitussin. Now I think I know why.

For News About Leighann's TV Appearances and Upcoming Live Comedy Shows: Please Join The E-Mail List

No comments: