Thursday, March 13, 2014

They Called the Cops on the Cat

I’ve never been owned by a cat. I don’t have the courage to have a creature in my house that can outthink me. And now I know, I damn sure don’t want anything that can outfight me either. One of the funniest news stories I’ve heard this year – maybe even this decade – is the one about the 22-lb house cat in Oregon that held his family hostage in their bedroom. That’s funny on its face and even more hysterical when you know the facts.

Apparently the cat scratched the family’s seven-month old baby in the face. (The baby is fine, but as of this writing could not be reached for comment.) The father then kicked the cat in the ass, which sent the cat into a rage. Okay animal lovers, we all know that this is no way to treat a furry friend in our care, but as an in-the-moment reaction from a freaked out father, it happened so let’s deal with the aftermath.

Be honest. If someone kicked you in the ass – in your own house – you might flip out too. What more a being that believes itself to be superior to its human servants? The cat got kicked in the ass and went all Rambo/Keyser Soze / Pulp Fiction. (Have I covered all the generational pop culture references?) I can imagine the cat saying: “Oh, it’s like that? Bring it on bitches. I’ll hack up hairballs on every motherfucker in here.”

This cat had the entire family, including the dog, cowering behind a closed bedroom door. I saw a picture of the dog. It was one of those small, Paris Hilton purse pups. The cat outweighed him and the baby. I bet the dog was the first one to run and hide. I imagine him saying:
“Listen I tried to tell y’all something wasn’t right with this damn cat, but do y’all listen to me? No. You let him stay. Then you go and kick him in the ass? I’m not dealing with that. That’s on you. I’ma be here under the bed. If you know what I know you better call the cops.”
And call the cops they did. There’s no funnier sentence in the English language right now then, ‘They called the cops on the cat.’ It makes me giggle every time. You can hear the cat hissing in the background of the recorded 911 call. If translated I bet he was saying:

“Go ahead. Call the cops. I don’t give a fuck. They don’t scare me. I’ve done time, son. You better tell them to come with it ‘cause I’m done playin’ with you baby-feeding, dog-loving, cat ass-kickin’ motherfuckers.”

The police came and somehow managed to get the cat into a pet carrier. Video of that process would be priceless. But instead of taking the cat – with a history of violence — into custody, he was left in the care of his family. Perhaps the police knew they didn’t have a jail cell secure enough to hold this feline felon.

Perplexingly, the family has decided to keep the cat. Is this classic behavior for people caught up in an abusive relationship or what? “He’s sorry, Your Honor. He didn’t mean to hurt me. He’s got a lot on his mind.” Clearly this family – pets included – need counseling. They also need to put this 22-pound cat on a diet. If they can get him down from heavyweight to welterweight they might have a fighting chance the next time fluffy gets feisty.

The Urban Erma, the longest running column on, was created and written by stand-up comedian Leighann LordListen to the podcast on iTunes and Stitcher RadioWatch the video edition on YouTube.comIf you enjoy The Urban Erma please leave a comment, Like it on Facebook, follow on Twitter, And share it with your friends. (Share it with people who are not your friends and maybe they will be.) Get her free e-books of The Great Spanx Experiment and Sometimes I Wish Facebook Had a Hate Button. 


Anonymous said...

I read that what set the whole thing off was that the baby pulled the cat's tail. Knowing how babies and ultra-tolerant parents can be, I have to wonder how many times a day that probably happened before the cat finally declared war.

Jim Thomas

Leighann Lord said...

Perhaps this is why the baby had no comment. I'm not surprised that the baby pulled the cat's tail. That's what babies do. It's the parents job (as if they don't have enough to do) to moderate that. I really don't blame the cat here.

Karith Foster said...

I adore you. Thank you for the additional laughs on this story.

SouthMainMuse said...

I'm reading this in a waiting room and my son is playing with someone online that he can talk to -- and he keeps saying "I can't hear you because my mom keeps laughing." Makes me think of a neighbor's cat I used to feed when they were away. I had to wear combat boots and jeans. First I would pray the darned beast would be asleep. I'd creep in real quiet and try to put the food out as quickly as possible. If the beast came upon me I would grab a pillow off their couch, use it to shield my legs and back out the door. Okay. officially my longest comment ever.

Leighann Lord said...

@SouthMainMuse: Your comment made me laugh! I can just picture you having to fend off the ungrateful feline beast with a pillow. Hilarious. I had NO idea cats could be so persnickety. Thanks for reading!