Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Dear Facebook, WTF?

I’ve been getting a lot Facebook messages lately from young single women of color who desperately want to be my friend: Dora, Rosalind, Baha, Kate... It’s like the bad old days of penis enlargement emails and Nigerian royalty inheritance scams.  Why is this happening? Is the Facebook Privacy & Security team on vacation? Oh, right: What privacy and security? I forgot that free social networking companies are in the business violating my privacy and selling my security to the highest bidder.

I know I should just ignore these messages or report them as spam and move on but there is a part of me that wants to respond with all the respect and consideration they deserve. When I think of these lonely young women reaching out across the interwebs, looking to make a love connection, any connection I too want to reach back. I mean how can I not answer the sincere and heartfelt message from Katty Desmond:

Katty Desmond  11:29am Sep 8
Compliments of the day to you. I am katty by name I am single however how are you,hope you are fine I went through your profile and i read it and took interest in it,if you don’t mind i will love to know you much better , please i will like you to send me a mail on my private email (kattydesmond23 @ included,so that i will tell you all you needs to know about me and a picture of myself.i do believe distance and colour will not be a barear between us,hoping to read from you,thanks and God bless .a Best Regad katty. please don,t reply me through this face book,write me directly to my box(kattydesmond23 @ 000000000______0000000000______000000000000 ____000__________I LOVE__________000___ ___000____________YOU____________000__ ___000___________FRIEND__________ 000__ ___000___________THANKS__________000__ ____000___________FOR___________000___ _____000_________KEEPING_________000____ ______000__________MY_________000_ ____ ________000______HEART______000__ __ __________000 ____SAVE_____000____ _ ____________000__ KISS__000______ ___ ______________000 U 000_________ __ _________________I LOVE U___________ _ ___________________ BYE__

Oh, My Dearest Katty, Compliments of the day to you too. What century are you writing me from? I’m guessing late 18th, perhaps early 19th. “Compliments of the day?” Nobody talks like that even on Law & Order: UK.

If I may also ask, what led you to think I am a lesbian? When you tell me you are single you must think this information would interest me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it doesn’t.

The only compatibility that I can see is that you are “katty by name” and I am catty by nature. Sadly I don’t think this is enough to build a relationship on.

You say you’ve read my profile but I’m not so sure. I think a cursory reading of same would make it evident that it’s the little things that matter to me, like spelling and punctuation. Some people like a big butt and a smile but for me, someone who can diagram a sentence ... well ... wooo ... is warm in here? What can I say? Good grammar gets to me.

I know it sounds shallow but even if I could set aside my heterosexuality what I cannot overlook is your reckless disregard for proper punctuation. I know in the end it would be the thing that tears us apart. And I fear I would be way too catty to even write you a Dear John Letter. What would be the point? It might only confuse you. (Okay, that goes beyond catty to bitchy, but it’s better that you see me for who I really am.)

You say that distance and colour will not be a “barear” between us, but your atrocious spelling certainly will, not to mention your bossy nature. You contact me on Facebook and then tell me to only respond via email. You say this not once but twice. How long before you’re telling me what to wear and how many Chinese children we’ll be adopting?

I know this isn’t easy to read but I think it’s best that you put the brakes on your love for me. Although I feel you are sincere, I simply cannot reciprocate. Please understand. It’s not me. It’s you. Don’t give up though. I know there’s someone on Facebook who’s perfect for you. Have you tried sending a message to Mark Zuckerberg?

The Urban Erma, the longest running column on, was created and written by stand-up comedian Leighann LordListen to the podcast on iTunes and Stitcher RadioWatch the video edition on YouTube.comIf you enjoy The Urban Erma please leave a comment, Like it on Facebook, follow on Twitter, And share it with your friends. (Share it with people who are not your friends and maybe they will be.) Get her free e-books of The Great Spanx Experiment and Sometimes I Wish Facebook Had a Hate Button. 


Angela Boyko said...

I think it's pretty presumptuous of her to be giving you a kiss in her first email to you. :-)

Leighann Lord said...

I know, right! Presumptuous indeed! LOL!

OVH said...

What's wrong with a big butt and a smile?

Leighann Lord said...

LOL! Absolutely nothing, if that's what your in to. :-)

Anonymous said...

I can appreciate your annoyance with these solicitations.

I have had students who struggled with English syntax, but on average they were fluent in 2 to 4 languages, and who wrote excellently in their first language.

I'm not excusing poor grammar, but I congratulate those who reach out to others regardless of their writing skills. JHM

Leighann Lord said...

Hello Anonymous, I must confess, this is less about poor grammar than it is about obvious email scams. A rose by any other name.... a scam by any other means...

Thanks for reading.

Casey Bahr said...

"... put the breaks on your love ..." Ooops! :)

Leighann Lord said...

@Casey! Oops! Double oops! Oops squared! Good catch. No, great catch. I've fired my proofreader. (Ignore the screaming you hear coming from my basement. It'll stop soon enough. :-)

Ray said...

I found this when I too received a note from Katty, and Googled her(?) phrase "I am katty by name". At last one result uses the name George Katty. I suspect that this person's gender and sexual preferences may best be described as indiscriminate.

Mindy Matijasevic said...

I enjoyed this. Mindy