Dead Dick: Not a Viagra Story

I was on a gig recently when a woman I was working with got the news that her mother had passed away. When she whispered it to me, I couldn’t help but stare at her in astonishment. I knew her mom was not well and that her passing was imminent, but what shocked me was that my friend wasn’t curled up in a blathering blob on the floor. All entertainers know that “the show must go on” but it’s different when your life is the one that’s falling apart behind the scenes.

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I Need a Thundershirt

My Dog and I look alike. We’re both black with a little bit of grey. Recently describing His Lordship to someone I was stunned to realize just how similar we also are in temperament. I said, “I love him but he’s spoiled, cranky, moody, entitled … wait, what? Oh damn.”

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Asshole or Asperger’s

So, I was hanging out at the bar with friends when I was approached by an audience member. He said, “You’re funny. I enjoyed your show.”

“Thank you.”

“So, how old are you?”

No, you didn’t miss anything. And, no, I didn’t leave anything out. He asked me just like that, with all the finesse of an STD test.

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But, I Don’t Want to Be a Stripper

I tried going shoe shopping but what I found instead were shelves full of brightly colored stilts. “Am I expected to actually walk in these?” I said aloud to no one in particular. A sales girl smiled and said, “You know, some women can’t walk in flats.” I bit my tongue just in time to stop myself from saying in a perfect imitation of my Grandmother, “Yes, Child, but those women are whores.” 

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Hormones, Heartbreak & House Payments

Would you believe a 12-year-old wrote this: 

“By choosing to be happy we let ourselves be friendlier and more human to one another.”

Deep, right? 

I recently had the honor of being a judge for The 2012 Good Life Award Writing Contest. It was open to students from seventh to ninth grade; 522 kids entered from 34 schools. The contest was created to honor the life of Dottie Yeck, a champion of children, who believed that one is never too young to have an impact on the world. Her Life Philosophy and premise for the contest is: Being Good + Doing Good = Having Fun + Being Happy. Clearly Dottie was not a native New Yorker.

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