Wednesday, March 28, 2012

All Men Would Be Klingons

It is no secret that I am a Star Trek fan, with a Lieutenant Uhura costume in my closet to prove it. When I meet other fans I often ask: “What would you be if you could be any other species in the Star Trek universe?” Almost without exception the men say, “Klingon!” Well, “Ka’plah!” gentlemen. I don’t know what my fellow female Star Trek fans would be. I haven’t met any.

Eschewing the wonders of modern dentistry, Klingons represent the warrior side of humanity. They value bravery, loyalty, and honor. That’s too bad. If they valued love they’d choose to be Tribbles, because who doesn’t love a Tribble? If Tribbles were human, they’d be Canadians. 

Occasionally someone will say they want to be Q, an all-powerful character that was as funny as he was vexing. But again that bespeaks a man’s desire to be omnipotent without consequence. Surprisingly, no one has ever said they want to be a Changeling (shape shifter). A being with the ability to change size and shape at will? Viagra be damned, arm the photon torpedoes, and fire at will.

And what species would I choose to be you ask? Good question. Star Trek is full of rich choices for women. We don’t all have to be the green chic. Although I admire their prowess with a bat'leth (“sword of honor"), choosing to be a female Klingon is kinda redundant for me. I was born an angry Black woman, so I think I have the Klingon thing covered. I’d also have to rule out shape shifter. Yes, it would take breast enhancement surgery off the table but frequent size changes would kill my wardrobe budget.

It might be nice to be a Betazoid with the ability to read minds. Scratch that. Most times, I don’t even want to know what I’m thinking. Romulan women seem pretty bad ass, but it might just be the big 80s shoulder pads they wear in every Star Trek series. This earns them my vote for species most in need of a makeover. 

For both strong and sexy nobody rocks it better than the women of Bajor. There’s an extra sway in my strut when I’m sporting my Bajoran ear cuff. Are you surprised that I have one? Don’t be. In fact, I have two. What! 

But the Star Trek species I'd choose to be is Vulcan. Close your mouth. You heard me. I said, Vulcan. I love their logic, their control, and what they’ve been able to accomplish by setting aside their emotions. I envy them that ability since I’ve never really gotten the hang of it. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t have to. Everything shows in my face. It hides nothing, at least not very well. When I’m on stage, it’s great. Off stage it’s a disaster. I think it, feel it, and show it on my mug, everything from love to contempt. It’s all right there in the curve of my lip, the wrinkle of my nose, and the arch of my left eyebrow. If I look like I'm judging you, I probably am.  Oh to be a Vulcan.

“But they’re so cold!” my Trek friends say. True, but the Pon Farr, that once every seven-year party, is off the hiz-ook, son! It’s like Mardi Gras times spring break squared. (MG x SB)2.

It's intriguing, tribalistic xenophobes that we are, that we'd ever choose to be something other than our bright and shiny selves. I can't say that I blame us though. We're an ignorant and petty little life form trying hard to kill ourselves and everything around us. Sometimes we try to do better: Art, music, chocolate. And sometimes we don't: War, slavery, Snookie. 

One of the hopes Star Trek Next Gen promised was humanity 2.0. No hunger, poverty, or referrals to see a specialist. How is that not our finest hour?  But do we really believe this is possible? Deep down probably not or we wouldn’t be so willing to jump ship to the first species that would have us. But maybe the better question is: what sort of creature is Rick Santorum?



Thanks for reading The Urban Erma. You can listen to the podcast on Podbean or subscribe for free on iTunes. In case you were wondering, in addition to blogging I am also a pretty good stand-up comedian. I do "Thinking Cap Comedy." If comedy were music, I'd be Jazz. Want to see a show? Check out my schedule at @ www.VeryFunnyLady.com

14 comments:

Nuchtchas said...

As a fellow female Trekkie I can say Klingon is a knee jerk reaction for me, simply because that is the race in the series I like the most. My online name is based on a Klingon character and has become so much of my persona how can I not say Klingon?

Runners up would be Bajorian, Trill, Metron and Andromedian. (got to pull out the old school races there)

RayHightower said...

I'm with you: Vulcan is the way to go. Vulcans are cerebral, they live 200+ years, and they study martial arts. Remember the episode where Tuvok reveals his martial arts background? And Spock's Vulcan nerve pinch is the ultimate in Sun-Tzu-style victory. More important than any of that: Vulcan women are fine.

A Klingon might win in a contest of brute force, but in hand-to-hand combat, a trained Vulcan will make a Klingon cry for Kahless. So... if you're collecting stats, mark me down as a man on the Vulcan list.

Leighann Lord said...

@Nuchtchas: Kudos for giving a shout out to the old school races! And no doubt, female Klingons are the epitome of fierceness. I'd want one on my side in a fight. Thanks for reading and commenting. :-)

Leighann Lord said...

@Ray: I'm not keeping official track, but I've been pleasantly surprised at how many people are with me on the Vulcan bandwagon. I didn't mention it in the blog but long life, martial arts skill, and the nerve pinch are definitely in the win column. Thanks for reading and commenting. :-)

Steve Boyett said...

You had me at "Vulcan Mardi Gras."

Leighann Lord said...

@Steve: That's awesome!

Sue London said...

You poor, deprived thing who has no Trekkie/Trekker girl friends! We are out here. It would be hard for me to pick just one race but if you MADE me choose I might go Caitian. How's that for old school? I've role-played Vulcan and Klingon quite a bit so those are probably my other favorites. (I've had a crush on Mr. Spock MY WHOLE LIFE.) My sister is Romulan, all the way.

(Arrived via @FanBrosShow.)

Leighann Lord said...

Hey Sue!!! I am learning that I indeed have many sisters in the nerd-verse, but for years it's been a lonely place. Nerd-Boys are cool, but there's nothing like estrogen. I'm sooo glad that's changing. :-)Thanks for reading and commenting!

Sue London said...

p.s. Checked with hubs and his answer is Efrosian http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Efrosian (which I kinda knew, but thought I'd confirm). Yes, we are deep in the dork forest at this house that we can discuss these things...

Leighann Lord said...

Sue! I love it! I had to look both of these species up. (Thank you Wikipedia.) Clearly I'm just a casual fan compared to you and your hubby. You guys are awesome! A warp-capable feline species. The mind shudders in fear. :-)The Jem'hadar wouldn't stand a chance.

Jen Anderson said...

I'm clearly not enough of a Trek fan because I've never thought of this before. I think I'd go with shape shifter since that way I could blend in with all the other species. (Assuming I got better at doing faces than Odo.) And since Odo did his own clothes--unlimited wardrobe!

kateshort said...

There are definitely women out there who want to be Klingons! And Vulcans. And of course, Orion non-slave girls. :P

sapphirescarlet said...

Wow, didn't realize this was posted in 2012. Hope you've found lots of Star Trek girlfriends since then! Personally I'd be Betazoid, or Kriosian. Or maybe El-Aurian. I loved Whoopi.

rebellibrarian said...

:-) Don't forget, when you're a shapeshifter your clothes are part of you so instead of having wardrobe limitations, it actually opens up your look to anything you can think up.