Because I love you I’m not going to waste time giving you fake, positive holiday advice. Instead I’m going to encourage you to do what you’re going to do anyway: Wear comfortable clothes, elastic waistband pants if you have them, and eat to excess. Shovel it in like coal in a furnace. If you have the stones, let your family know that this year you mean business. Show up to Thanksgiving dinner wearing a diaper. But do assure them that whatever happens in the diaper stays in the diaper.
Screw the budget. Congress can’t agree on one so why should you? Get out there and spend beyond your means. People judge you by how much money you spend on them. And let’s be honest, you’re judging them right back. This is America. Money buys love, and this year love is an iPad. A Kindle Fire means they like you and they may even see potential in your relationship, but you should probably still be seeing other people.
It goes without saying that since we are now in eggnog season it’s time to get liquored up. Procure a designated driver, or a bus pass, and go get hammered. Set up an IV drip and drink yourself into The Guinness Book of World Records. Gold star if you can do this while actually drinking Guinness.
Now this next bit is only for the truly committed or those who should be: try to pull off the trifecta. Be the first one on a Black Friday sales line with a piled-high plate of Thanksgiving dinner in one hand, a Long Island ice tea in the other, and a beer cooler at your feet. (Yes, that means you’re mixing drinks. It’s the holidaze. Don’t be a pussy.) This also gives you the weapons you may need should this scenario degenerate into something unseemly. If it comes down to the last iPad in stock you may need to beat somebody down with a turkey leg. Are you willing to fight for love?
If any of this sounds vaguely illegal, don’t worry. I don’t predict too much of a police presence at the malls since they seem to be very busy pepper spraying students down at Occupy Fill in the Blank. But if worse comes to worse and you need bail money you can always tap into your Christmas club, assuming of course you didn’t invest it with Bernie Madoff.
If you do this right you’ll start the New Year 20 pounds heavier, deeper in debt, and with hazy, liquor-clouded memories of how the hell it all happened. Then, of course, you’ll start making resolutions that you have no intention of keeping. You’ll be angry, depressed, and in need of a good laugh, and you can get that here at The Urban Erma. Reading the BLOG or listening to the PODCAST will bring the light and laughter back into your life. That’s right. I’m here for you, Boo. The best part is, hopefully, you’ll be enjoying it on your new iPad.
Thanks for reading The Urban Erma. You can listen to the podcast on Podbean or subscribe for free on iTunes. In case you were wondering, in addition to blogging I am also a pretty good stand-up comedian. I do "Thinking Cap Comedy." If comedy were music, I'd be Jazz. Want to see a show? Check out my schedule at @ www.VeryFunnyLady.com.