Off With Their Hair*

© 2011 Leighann Lord

I’ve heard that in some parts of India when a woman receives a blessing she gives thanks to God by cutting off all her hair. Couldn’t I just send a thank you note?

“Dear God, Good looking out! You’re the best!”

- Love, Leighann xoxo

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Is cutting off all your hair really the best way to say thank you? If God knows your heart, then he already knows whether you’re truly grateful or not. If you do the deed but you’re faking the funk, it’s probably not going to count.

I’ll confess, my reluctance to cut my hair is pure vanity. I’ve had dreadlocks since 2001. They’re long. I love them. And I don’t have the slightest intention of cutting them for anybody. My goal, in fact, is to be the Black Rapunzel.

Now I don’t know if the hair cutting thing is mandatory, but it might look a little awkward if you’re the only one not doing it. Sure you’re giving the people around you the gift of feeling morally superior, but chances are they won’t see it that way.

In the grand scheme of things, hair cutting is harmless. The gods have usually asked for a lot more than that. Historically, when a god did you a solid you had to come across with something big: livestock, a virgin, a baby. Virgin baby livestock? Bonus. And usually, you had to fork this over ahead of time with no guarantee that god would keep his end of the bargain. Because while god answers all prayers, sometimes the answer is no. That’s a helluva an out-clause isn’t it? But I’d expect an omnipotent being to have a good attorney. I’d be disappointed if he didn’t. So even the spiritual buyer needs to beware.

That’s the one part of the hair-cutting-thank-you exercise that makes sense. The women in India do it after they receive a blessing, not before. Well, that’s the way they do it now. They probably didn’t always. I bet back in the day some chick cut her hair off first, waited around for something good to happen, god reneged – as is his contractual right to do — and we learned that hell hath no fury like a woman scalped.

*This post was originally done as part of my recurring segment on Agnostic Radio, The Word of the Lord.

Join The Urban Erma on Facebook or follow on Twitter. You can listen to the podcast on Podbean or subscribe on iTunes. Leighann Lord is a stand-up comedian, who's style is best described as "Thinking Cap Comedy." If comedy were music, she'd be Jazz. Check out her upcoming shows @ www.VeryFunnyLady.com. Join her on FaceBook. Follow her on Twitter.