Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Praise the Lord & Pass the Ammunition

© 2011 Leighann Lord

Last month The Atlanta Journal ran an article about a group of folks planning to appeal a ruling against guns in church. Maybe I’m a tad too citified for my own good but do you need a law telling you not to bring a gun to church? That has lack of faith written all over it. There are just certain things you should know to leave at home before going to church: gun, skepticism, porn collection.

I live in New York City and while we have the reputation of being a rough and tumble town it’s actually illegal to carry a gun here and that’s probably a good thing. With our quick tempers and lack of patience with piss poor service, things could get dangerous for people working at say, Best Buy. I’m kidding. Nobody actually “works” at Best Buy. The only person who might get hurt is some random guy who walked in wearing a blue polo shirt. 

But are guns in church really a bad thing? Historically many conversions have happened at gunpoint so why break with tradition? I don’t go to church myself.  My brain gets in the way. But this is just the sort of thing that would make it interesting. Having a piece at a peace service has certain intrinsic advantages.

First, shorter sermons. Nobody likes a long-winded preacher. And nothing will make him cut to the chase quicker than addressing an armed and restless congregation. I would’ve loved to have been locked and loaded the first time I had the displeasure of hearing St. Peter’s: “Wives be submissive to your husbands.” I fantasize about standing, Dirty Harry style, clicking the safety off my .44 Magnum and saying, “No, we’re not reading that today.”
“Women should remain silent in the churches.” 
“Really? So you’re saying I get to use a silencer? Sweet.”

And then there are the fashion implications. You can’t show up to church on Sunday with a Saturday night special. What would Jesus think? You’re gonna need a dress gun. Concealed or unconcealed means “will my Sunday-go-to-meeting gun fit in my purse or match my outfit.” How else will god know you really care except by how well you coordinate your ensemble? And wearing a side arm makes things a little more complicated, as in: “Baby, does this gun make my butt look big?” And what does a man say to a woman who’s got her finger on the trigger of a Taurus 85 Revolver with a custom ruby red rubber grip? Let us pray.

Finally, fair or not, a gun gets you the little courtesies like seconds on the wine and wafers. Who’s gonna say, no? Leverage during confession: “Ten Hail Mary’s? I don’t think so, padre. Let’s call it an even five, and me and my little friend will see you on Sunday.” 

And let’s face it, armed altar boys are a game-changer.

Leighann Lord is a stand-up comedian, who's style is best described as "Thinking Cap Comedy." If comedy were music, she'd be Jazz. Check out her upcoming shows @ www.VeryFunnyLady.com. Join her on FaceBook. Follow her on Twitter.

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