Sunday, March 14, 2010

NY Politics, The Real Big Apple Circus

© 2010 Leighann Lord

New York State Governor David Paterson is messing it up for blind people everywhere. Someday a really good candidate, who happens to be blind, is going to run for governor and everybody's gonna say, “Hell no! Remember the last one!” The scandals are developing daily and the calls for his resignation are swelling to an operatic crescendo, but Paterson will probably knuckle down and stay in office until he runs out of business cards.

Accused, among other things, of abusing the power of his office, the problem is that Paterson probably never planned to be governor. He was sitting in his office minding his business when he got the call about now former Governor Eliot Spitzer:
"He did what?... I'm what? ... Oh crap! I'm gonna need a new suit."
Spitzer, you'll recall, resigned in the wake of a prostitution scandal. Ironically, Kristin Davis, The Manhattan Madame from whom "Client Number 9" procured the punani, is now running for governor. Only in New York, my friends. I think we should elect her. She's already been to jail, so the suspense is over. It's worth noting that Mr. Spitzer has done no jail time. Perhaps The Powers That Be have assumed that public humiliation is enough. It's not, but at least he had the decency to resign. South Carolina’s Governor Mark Sanford has not. But I digress.

Currently New York enjoys a dysfunctional state legislature, a former congressman who admitted to groping and tickling staff members, a senior legislator who writes tax law, but doesn't follow it, and now an unpopular governor who’s days are numbered. Chicago will be calling soon to concede its corruption crown.

There was a time, not long ago, when New Yorkers sat in judgment, openly mocking New Jersey’s political problems. Now, if Jersey plays its cards right, it could invade and take over New York. They’ve already got a toe hold in Staten Island.

New York would be a plum prize but for its massive money problems. As of late, the Governor’s been anxious to put aside all of his headline grabbing gaffs so he can get to work balancing the budget. I guess there’s nothing like the threat of losing your job, to inspire you to actually do it.

You know it's bad when everybody's ganging up on the blind guy. With staffers deserting in droves, Paterson should get himself a dog, a bit of positive political theater. It's hard to be mad at a guy with a seeing eye wing man. One look at a cute pup wagging his tail, noshing on a chew toy and you might forget to ask if said toy was purchased with public funds or if it's being included in the next round of budget cuts.

The scuttlebutt is that Paterson will probably resign before I get this blog posted. (Buffering, buffering, buffering.) But wishing doesn't make it so. It might be a good idea if we all familiarize ourselves with New York's gubernatorial line of succession. At the rate we're losing leaders, the head of the Department of Sanitation should expect a phone call:
"He did what?.... I'm what? .... Oh crap! I'm gonna need a new suit."

Leighann Lord is a stand-up comedian. March 19 & 20 she'll be appearing The Comedy Works in Bristol, PA. Check out her other upcoming shows @ Join her on FaceBook. Follow her on Twitter.

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