Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Death Hires a Sniper

Did Grandma Have it Coming?
© 2009 Leighann Lord

A 92-year-old woman in New York City was shot and killed in her own home by a stray bullet. Why did this happen? Was it a senior citizen love triangle gone wrong? Women live longer than men and the competition naturally gets fierce. Did she flirt with the wrong octogenarian, inciting a rival to grab her musket, fire up her power chair and motor out for a drive by? Who says Grannies can't get gansta?

here is an unpleasant but a distinct possibility that she brought this on herself. If you've read "The Secret" and subscribe to The Law of Attraction, then you know he had it coming. But what could a 92-year-old woman do to deserve such a dastardly demise: Medicare fraud, prescription drug running, cheating at Bingo, hubris? Maybe she got cocky. Wouldn't you? Living for so long, it's easy to think Death has overlooked you. And maybe it did.

Death, like the rest of us, is overworked and understaffed. I picture Death sitting in Starbucks checking his BlackBerry (because Death would have a BlackBerry, not an iPhone) going over his To Do List. (If you see Death as more of a traditionalist, perhaps he is reviewing his Franklin Covey Day Planner.) He sees he's forgotten to acquire Sadie. Already back logged up to his hoodie, Death subcontracts the job out to Disease.

Disease takes the gig because who turns down work in this economy? Swine flu is hot. The elderly are in the "at risk" category, but it's also the busy season. There are a lot of sick people with pre-existing conditions and no health insurance. So Disease sub-subcontracts the job to Violence. "Don't get fancy. She's 92. Make it look like an accident."

But as always, Violence is sloppy. With no oversight or quality control, a 92-year-old woman who probably should have passed peacefully in her sleep, was instead "accidentally" shot in the back by a kid young enough to be her great grandson.

The police caught the 18-year-old culprit. And one can only hope that if there is any justice in the world he will be found guilty and sentenced a minimum of 92 years. It's disconcerting to think that Sadie was eligible for Social Security and taking mandatory disbursement from her IRA's when her killer was still in diapers. They grow up so fast don't they?

If heaven is like school and people are grouped by age, Sadie will find herself in a room full of folks who were felled by heart attacks, strokes or pneumonia. She’ll be the only 92-year-old gunshot victim. When they tell their stories in turn, people will be shocked and awed when Sadie recounts, "I died when I was 92, bullet to the back. Yup, Death sent a sniper." Even in The Great Beyond that's got to add up to a lot of street cred. Who'd of thought dying in your sleep would be the wimpy way to go?
Leighann Lord is a standup comedian. See her perform 11/24 - 28 at Acme Comedy Company in Mineapolis with the Sheroes of Comedy! Check out her other upcoming shows @ www.VeryFunnyLady.com. Join her on FaceBook. Follow her on Twitter.


David Patel said...

Thank you for using my drawing of the grim reaper sniper haha

Leighann Lord said...

No David,

Thank YOU! You do wonderful work. My apologies for not properly crediting you. I've always wished I had artistic talent such as yours, but alas, even stick figures are a challenge for me.