Monday, April 27, 2009

The Craig’s List Killer: My Sympathies to the Fiancee

© 2009 Leighann Lord
Cops caught the Craig’s List Killer last week and I can’t help but feel sorry for his Fiancee. I doubt she saw this coming. I’m sure "serial killer" wasn’t included in his Face Book profile. Sadly, even if it was, she might have chosen to overlook it thinking she could change him.

It’s been reported that The Fiancee is standing by her man. The poor dear must be in shock but I understand. The wedding is scheduled for August and usually, once we buy the dress, it’s full speed ahead. [CUE MUSIC: McFadden & Whitehead’s "Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now."] Her decision might also be influenced by the hefty non refundable deposit on the reception hall. Although calling the wedding on account of crime sounds uniquely valid, catering managers aren’t real big on refunds. As we learned with the AIG executive bonuses: a contract is a contract. You can't go around abrogating them every time something heinous happens.

I wonder if the faithful Fiancee will change her mind if her beloved is found guilty. She’ll see this is when the competition for his attentions could start getting a little steep. There is a disturbing segment of the female population that finds serial killers irresistible. They think: "Young, smart guy going to medical school? Yeah, that’s nice. Arrested for murder? Where do I sign?" His stock went up the day he got arrested. The more bizarre and sensational the trial, the sexier he’ll become. He’s no Jeffrey Dahmer, but he’ll do in a pinch.

The women who actually marry convicted death row serial killers perplex me. What are they thinking? At least I’ll always know where he is? He may not be going home with her, but he’s also not going home with her best friend.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe my standards are a tad too high, but murder’s a deal breaker for me. There will come a time during the course of any relationship when you’re gonna feel like killing each other. I need to know that my mate can resist that urge. Perhaps I’m being picky, but I don’t want to end up buried in my own back yard.

In a practical way, this Craig’s List Killer thing adds to the growing list of critical questions that should be asked during the dating process: Do you use Craig’s List? Do you have a gambling problem? Have you killed anyone? And be sure to read their Face Book profile. If it does happen to say a serial killer consider it a gift and get out now; unless, of course, this is exactly what you’re looking. Then by all means, full speed ahead.

Maybe these women are smarter than I give them credit for. The structure of the prison system takes some of the worry out of wedding planning. There’s on site security, catering and no shortage of groomsmen. I’m sure there’s a really bad electric slide/electric chair joke here, but I’m not gonna be the one to make it. I give my well wishes and high hopes that the husband’s cell mate doesn’t catch the bouquet.


[RE-CUE MUSIC: "Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now."]

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