Wedding Dress in a F@%#ing Box?

© 2008 Leighann Lord

I love eating at the Cracker Barrel. Where else can your cup runneth over with dumplings? I also enjoy browsing through the Cracker Barrel General Store, which is jammed packed with all sorts of interesting items. You can get a John Deere cap, a harmonica, a cast iron skillet, scented candles, or a t-shirt that says "Whatever Happens at Grandma’s, Stays at Grandma’s." Pretty cool stuff or so I thought until I saw "The Cracker Barrel Wedding Dress in a Box." I almost threw up my dumplings.

For a mere $29.99 the box includes a wedding dress, veil, ring, garder, and bouquet; ironically, everything but the boy. The dress fits little girls up to size 8, which is probably about the time when a young lady begins her life long battle to be the "right" size.

I’m sure someone thought this was cute, but I am appalled; primarily because a thorough search revealed no corresponding "Groom In A Box." Could it be that little boys aren’t sitting around hallucinating about how handsome they’ll look in a tuxedo, praying they won’t be too nervous to tie their bow tie and hoping they’ll be svelte enough to pull off a cummerbund that compliments the colors of their bridal party?

When I was a little girl, I did not fantasize about my wedding day. I didn’t have every minute detail planned out decades in advance. In fact I never thought of it all. I dreamed of having a high powered job on Wall Street and a pool boy named Sergio who cooked my meals, cleaned my house and gave me great back rubs. Two out of three ain’t bad. (In case you’re wondering, my house is filthy.)

The other problem is that the prepackaged wedding ensemble skips quite a few steps on the relationship ladder. Shouldn’t there be something like "First Date in a Box?" It could come with flowers, candy, and a cue card of what not to ask and what not to tell. "Stalker in a Box" could sport a really cool ninja outfit and a set of binoculars. "Living Together in a Box" would come with a u-haul, free storage and a dumpster for all his vitally important childhood memorabilia.

At some point everyone could use "Break Up in a Box" comprising Kleenex, Jack Daniels and a dart board with a photo of your former other. If things turn ugly, as they sometimes do, "Crazy Ex in a Box" would provide the requisite restraining order, new phone number and un-guess able password for your FaceBook page.

For the commitment phobic who needs a little push: "Ultimatum in Box." It includes the all important pre-nuptial agreement, pre-marital counseling and Valium. There’s a lot more to a marriage then just the wedding, but "Marriage in a Box," with a divorce attorney on retainer, may not be a big seller.

I guess of all the dress up games little girls can play, "Wedding Dress in a Box" isn’t all that bad. "Unwed Pregnant Teen in Box," "Baby Daddy in a Box" and "High School Drop Out in a Box" all seem sadly common place by comparison. Perhaps a truly progressive, anti-prop 8, company will soon sell "Same Sex Wedding in a Box" with matching wedding dresses or tuxes, but that might be a little much for the average Cracker Barrel customer. They might be incensed enough to take their business elsewhere. Oh well; more dumplings and harmonicas for me.

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