Sunday, August 5, 2007

Does Sexy Ever Go on Vacation?

Yes, But Be Careful With It

Feminine hygiene products have come a long way. Back in the day, women had to make their own sanitary napkins out of rags. "Ewww." Too primitive for the kid. I'm just not that crafty. But now we have choices. We have pads for heavy, light and overnight. The newest thing – new to me – are pads we can wear with a thong. A thong – which by itself sans pad – can restrict circulation, cause irritation and lead to infection. Gee, combined with cramps, cravings and mood swings, how can a girl resist? Hooray for progress. Thank you, Carefree.

Oddly, when my cycle starts I'm relieved because it means I can wear regular, comfortable underwear. Yes, the much maligned granny panties. I don't wish to seem ungrateful to Justin Timberlake for bringing sexy back – thank you, Justin – but sometimes sexy needs a breather. Just a day or two off to relax, regroup, and come back refreshed. Besides, if tight clothes and a thong are the only things that make you sexy, you’ve just got surface sexy. I would hope that my sexy runs deeper than that.

I can remember a time when the thong wasn't quite so ubiquitous; when panty lines weren't a mortal sin. To the contrary, they were proof that you had the decency to wear underwear; that you weren't going commando.

I have yet to figure out why "going commando" means that you're not wearing any underwear. Are the men and women of our armed forces not wearing anything beneath their uniforms? Or is it yet another thing like body armor that the government can't afford to supply the troops? Maybe "going commando" makes them fiercer fighters. If so I'm not cut out be a soldier. I feel way too vulnerable with no undies.

I can't even sleep commando. It gives me nightmares. Once I dreamt that Frank Sinatra was making me pancakes. I was furious because I had asked for waffles. I showed Frank the order pad where he’d neatly written down waffles, but he just went making pancakes while singing, "I Did It My Way." Creepy.

This is probably why I'm not a big fan of the thong. It's so skimpy that it's damn near like going commando. I can’t bring myself to wear it when it’s not absolutely fashionably necessary. Sleeping in a thong is out of the question. The last time I did, I dreamt that the sales people at Victoria Secret were trying to give me a colonoscopy. Yea, that’s how my subconscious mind works: Fall asleep in my bra and I’ll get the mammogram dream every time.

Curiously, there are women who always wear thongs and I don't mean professional women in the trade. I mean regular, every day women and to the most unlikely of places, like the gym. This can't possibly be comfortable. Why would you want to work out with a wedgie?

Men don't do this, although it would make professional sports way more interesting. If Oscar De La Hoya stepped into the boxing ring in a thong, my abhorrence to physical violence for profit would evaporate. Tom Brady or A-Rod in a g-string? Excuse me, I think I need a moment.

Okay, what was I talking about? Oh right, thong shaped pads. Admittedly, the sanitary napkin industry is in crisis; under assault from science. Seasonale, a new birth control pill, reduces the number of periods women have from 12 per year to four. Naturally (or rather unnaturally) fewer periods reduces the need for sanitary napkins, thong shaped or otherwise. Cool. That’s if you don’t take into account the side effect of increased "bleeding and spotting during the three months between periods" according to Not cool.

What could possibly go wrong with having only four periods a year? I guess we’ll find out when the law suits start rolling in. If you’re keeping score at home, the last latest and greatest birth control product for women – Othro Evra, better known as The Patch – caused blood clots, stroke and heart attack. That’s why instead of seeing ads for The Patch you now see ads for the lawyers looking to represent the women who wore it. Good luck, Ladies.

It’s worth noting that neither of these birth control methods are recommended for women over 35. I guess they’re just supposed to sit down somewhere and wait for the hot flashes and brittle bones.

I have no desire to go back to the dark ages of McGuyvering pads out of old clothes, but after going through all the trouble of bringing sexy back, why would you want to put it at risk? I’d like to keep mine off the injured, reserved list.

Join My Email List & See A LIVE Show

No comments: