Sunday, July 1, 2007

It's All In The Jeans

"Hey! Ego! Leave Those Jeans Alone!"

A year ago I bought a pair of jeans that were too small for me. Well actually, I didn't buy them, my ego did. My ego said, "So what they're a little tight. You'll look great in them." But if you buy clothes one size smaller than you need, there's gonna be a struggle. Not a civil-rights-we-shall-over-come type struggle, but more of a tussle-type struggle that results in some bruising and broken finger nails.

Sadly, I can’t even claim ignorance. I knew they were too tight when I bought them. When it comes to clothes I'm a big proponent of try before you buy. I think if people spent more time in the fitting room, it would save a lot of money and hurt feelings. But alas I only half followed my own advice. Yes, I tried the jeans on, but didn't let the fact that they were a hair too small stop me from buying them.

At the very least I could have gone up a size. I could – and probably should – have walked away and bought nothing, but my ego wouldn't hear of it. In fact, my ego teamed up with my pride and my vanity and said, "Go for it! You're gonna look hot."

What I looked was constipated. These jeans were so tight and uncomfortable that I didn’t have a sexy walk, as much as a shuffling gate reminiscent of a cylon from the original Battlestar Galactica.

Well, if you've been reading my blog then you know that I just completed The 90-Day Fitness Challenge at my martial arts school and lost, in total, about 12 1/2 pounds. (Don't worry I'm not planning on losing any more. At 15 pounds I'd be put on the Ally McBeal watch list and forced to move to Los Angeles.)

The upshot is, I can now fit my ego-purchased jeans; no grunting, no groaning, no teeth nashing or crying. Of course, now, I won’t wear the jeans because I don’t want to give my ego the satifaction. I don’t want to give it permission to run amok and buy more clothes. I fear that would lead me down the dark road of thongs, clear high heels and spandex.

The experience wasn’t all bad. I learned that it’s possible to wear tight jeans if you follow six simple rules:
  1. Don't eat or drink water before or after.
  2. Don't take any deep breaths.
  3. Don't make any sudden or vigorous movements. (In other words, you can go to a party, but no dancing.)
  4. Don't sit down. (Doing so could put your life at risk by further restricting blood flow. On the plus side, if you faint and end up in the emergency room, they may have to cut the jeans off of you.)
  5. Keep saying to yourself: "I'd rather be cute, than comfortable." (Remember, this is not about comfort. If it was, you wouldn't be wearing tight jeans.)
  6. Control top panty hose are not optional.
Bonus Tip: Don’t let your ego do the shopping. To paraphrase a line from Pink Floyd’s 1979 Another Brick in The Wall, Part II: "Hey! Ego! Leave those jeans alone."

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